Take a Digital Tangent: Forgiveness

Edit: From Aaron Unthank's Blog ...Thanks Aaron!

Miscellanies...

This blog is about the random and miscellaneous things we encounter as
we go about living, working and playing. Topically diverse, contents
could range from baseball to religion... Raising children to music.
Mostly thoughtful, sometimes silly, hopefully enjoyable.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness. Why is such a concept so easily understood but so hard to
apply? We teach our children to forgive someone when they apologize.
"Please forgive me"…. "I forgive you" The call and response of
a conversation between company that has done wrong one to the other. The
meaning and nuance of such a simple exchange bears more power than
nearly any utterance upon the lips of person. The ability to forgive is
a gift to the one asking. A gracious gift that, when given, is a
risk…a chance. Those who offer forgiveness make themselves vulnerable
to suffer the same hurt again. They trust in the fundamental good
resident in a person. They gamble on the ability of the other to have
the character to receive forgiveness and do well by it. It takes courage
to forgive. Courage and faith…Courage to believe that a person is
capable of their best even when you may have suffered by them at their
worst and faith in the sincerity of their apology. And yet, this is not
the hardest part. Harder still is receiving forgiveness. This requires a
less popular skill…the ability to be humble and trust the character of
whom you ask forgiveness. At first, the concept of asking forgiveness
seems audacious. After having done wrong by a person you ask them to
forgive YOU…? Wait…If the hurt and pain is about anything it's not
about the one who caused it getting any reprieve! Yet, as the
realization hits that something is terribly wrong you offer yourself to
the person by asking their forgiveness. You are "bearing your neck"
to them. In ancient times to bear or expose the neck was to submit to
the mercy of one who held a sword in their hand with the authority to
strike or stay the fatal blow. Character revealed determines the
outcome. Those with a generous and compassionate constitution will not
strike but, instead, see value in a life. Those less generous…? Well,
I suppose that puts a literal context to the phrase "severing ties"
doesn't it?
Harder still ? There is one thing yet more difficult in the act of
forgiveness. It is giving and receiving it within oneself. To forgive
someone for a wrong is one thing, to receive forgiveness for doing wrong
is another, but for this exchange to occur inside of the same individual
is especially difficult. Allowing oneself the grace of forgiveness is a
not as easy as it sounds. One would think that, after all, if we alone
hold the power to forgive ourselves then why on earth wouldn't we? It
seems a "no brainer" if it is only up to us then it should be easy,
right? I suppose self-absorbed person who cares only for himself would
find some ease in forgiving himself. But, then again, the likelihood of
that person actually finding fault in himself is pretty slim. If there
is any compassion and care for others then, with the first inkling of
heartbreak or hurt we've inflicted, remorse and disgust flood into our
hearts like a tsunami completely drowning us in sorrow and blame. We
think we don't deserve to be forgiven and even if someone else does,
we could never allow it for ourselves. We tend to find some distorted
masochistic comfort in holding on to our guilt…Some deserved penance.
We are hard-pressed to find any worth at all in ourselves that would
condone our own forgiveness. While this could possibly be true based on
the nature of the offense, if it stops here the end is tragic. A wasted
life withered by regret, depression, and anxiety…Never able to move
forward. However, there is hope. There is One who counts us so valuable
that He extends the grace of forgiveness that covers any offense. When
we can't seem to forgive ourselves we have to look beyond ourselves.
That is the only way out. Someone has to lift us up out of the pit
we've created for ourselves and re-establish our worth. Then it is
possible to move on, heal and repair any brokenness we may have caused
and even residually suffered ourselves. Even though we may have
compromised or even ruined our reputation and character it can be
repaired. It is long, hard work. And when repaired, we must always keep
in mind that it was once broken because people might always keep their
eyes on the crack to see if the glue is still holding. While it might
cause a bit of uncomfortable self-consciousness, it is actually
beneficial. If a person is prone to a weakness isn't it a GOOD thing
to have some help watching out for it? Isn't it common for the most
unsightly thing to garner the most attention? Perhaps now, instead of
getting the negative attention the weakness had attracted before, there
is potential for the kind of attention that will allow this suture to
hold strong in the company of the strength that surrounds it. To become
strong again…even stronger than before. That is a gracious consequence
of forgiveness.

Posted by Aaron Unthank

at 8:38 PM

3 comments:

Valerie said...

Wow, Aaron. That was such a poignant reminder...one that I really
needed. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your heart.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Katherine said...

Thanks Aaron, I loved it. This is a subject that most of us can relate
to, (both sides) either being the forgiven or the one with the grace to
do so.
Forgiveness is so easily understood, because it's is something when all
desire when WE need it. However, so difficult to apply due to it's
very definition.
"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding
resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense,
difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or
restitution."
It's the "concluding" and "ceasing" most people have a
problem with. Most of us would agree that forgiveness is letting someone
off the hook for an offense, but do we really want to conclude and cease
with a demand for punishment? No…. I think we all want to be able to
find it and pick it up again if it becomes necessary to remind someone
of their offense, lest they forget.
The power of forgiveness then becomes the responsibility of both
parties. The one forgiving has to agree to cease a demand for
restitution, and the one receiving forgiveness must then agree to
restore trust. It's very humbling to ask and receive forgiveness from
someone. However, it is equally humbling to offer forgiveness to an
offender, because when someone has offended you, it puts you in a
superior position to the offender. To cease and conclude a demand for
punishment means you must humble yourself to a level of compassion and
agree to turn over the power to the offender, knowing you may be hurt
again.
Too many people offer what they think is 'forgiveness' and really
it's not forgiveness at all, but is a contract of slavery. The offender
is now enslaved to the forgiver. If the offender is not able to forgive
him/herself, they will allow themselves to sign a contract with the
person they have offended, saying…"I promise to beat myself up,
offer apologies and make restitution for my offense until, you have been
satisfied that the "non-demand for punishment" has been met. That is
not forgiveness at all, as it's very definition states that you
conclude even the resentment that goes along with being offended. This
is even worse when it is only a "perceived offense." I have found
out the hard way that this process only demands more energy from the
offended than the offender. It requires more of the offender than he/she
is capable of giving, and the cycle goes on. Keeping a person 'on the
hook' for an offense is neither humbling nor forgiving.
Allowing yourself the grace of forgiveness and then receiving it is
very difficult. Somehow, I think it is because we don't trust
ourselves not to offend again. No one has the promise that the next
temptation to offend someone we care about will pass us by. Therefore,
we keep our eyes on the crack on our own lives to make sure our own glue
will stick so we will not have to humble ourselves again, to ask for
forgiveness.
It's true! We don't deserve forgiveness! That's the best part about it.
Since we don't deserve it, when it is given, we know that the person
offering it, does so with grace, compassion and humility. Those who
can't or don't offer forgiveness are robbing their own heart of the
joy and freedom that come from moving forward and letting go of the
"contract". This gives the offender the joy and freedom that come
from restitution marked "paid in full". To receive forgiveness from
someone you have hurt, when you know it comes from a compassionate
heart, provides you the best glue or suture there is……and that is a
renewed relationship.
We must all give those we love the power to reveal our weaknesses with
humility, compassion and grace. This way we can hold on to that which is
most valuable; our character and our integrity, and hold onto what we
treasure most; our relationships with those we love. Only then can we
have true peace and find the ability to forgive ourselves.
Thanks for your writing. It gets me thinking. We can all grow by
other's words and experiences.